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03 April 2009 @ 12:08 am
i have no idea what's going on.   so isolated.   so confused and out of the loop.

the fact that there are people in this country who are my age and are NOT domesticated republicans is incredible.
there really might be other people in their 30's who don't go to church or watch FOX news.

19 March 2009 @ 10:55 pm
i have no idea what i'm looking for, but i keep looking.

sooooo restless

sounds strange, but i'm disappointed that i don't have ADD.  i just want to have something identifiable so that i can treat it and move on.   instead i'm stuck with this never ending cycle of meh.  i don't care about anything.  i don't feel like i'm ever really happy.  life is a series of distractions to pass the time until it's time to sleep.

shouldn't be so hard to be normal
shouldn't have to correct my thinking all the time - which of course leads to second-guessing which makes everything worse.

i just bought a new 32" tv with my tax refund.  i've wanted a new tv for at least a year now.  so am i excited?  no, not really.   i can't make it work quite right.  i cannot read the instructions because my patience level is at zero.  i might just take it back cause i don't care.

i'm in the paralasys of indecision

"wish you had someone to fuck you so you could finally go to sleep"

04 March 2009 @ 09:08 pm
i feel restless
o so restless
i feel restless and reckless and FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

been waiting on a call for about 3 weeks now so i can go in and take an ADD/ADHD test.
software came in and now they need a new computer to load it on.

i don't know if i have add or not, but it seems likely to me.   i'm always jumping between impulses.  examples:::::::::

work is SOOOO fucking slow lately so i'm online all day. 
i was playing a new game called flood it.  i'd play a few rounds then in the middle of a round get tired of it and click on reddit.  i'd look at some pics maybe read a story or some comments then i'd think i should check the weather then o yeah, i was gonna look something up on consumer reports, then i wonder if there are any deals on laptops at new egg - look for a few minutes ahhh screw this - i don't really need one and i have no money anyway, then let's have a look at the consumerist,  nah i don't care about financial stuff right now, ummm  o yeah, i'll see how much caffiene is in that new energy drink i want to try, now what,,,,,,,  oh   cracked might have some good stuff.

after work
come home
talk to gf
grab a beer
go online
play zelda on ds
grab some chips to go with beer
go upstairs
listen to gf talk/complain about her day
work on setting up her computer
look into uninstalling some more stuff but finally decide to just disable the programs i don't like
go back downstairs
try to take a nap for a few minutes
gf comes down - i'm behind her in the driveway
let her out
go buy used video game and subway
eat and watch the rest of futurama
take movies back
buy energy drinks
play new game w/out looking at instructions
game is very cool but i'm bored very quickly
go online to look up ADD
decided almost immediatley that i don't have the patience to read about it now
go to livejournal to post/rant about my day to no one.

I'm: restless meh
I'm listening to: AFX (aka Aphex Twin) - Analogue Bubblebath 5
19 January 2009 @ 10:04 pm
It's the last day in office for George Bush. There's been a lot of talk in the media lately about Bush's legacy. What do you think he will be most remembered for?
W represents the pinnacle of nepotism and corruption.

He is also a douchebag.

13 January 2009 @ 09:40 pm
ok, i know i'm the last person on the planet to see INDY 4 but i gotta vent.

Raiders - Fucking Awesome, still a great movie
Doom - loved it when it came out, doesn't hold up as well but still pretty damn good
Last - ok - was already getting a little old

Crystal Skull - what a flaming pile of shit

1st off, shia labuffy is not an actor, he's an unbelievably lucky douche who keeps getting into big movies.  he didn't suck so much in Transformers since every second of that movie was shit - it was hard to tell the difference.

here is my reaction to his first scene
"what the fuck??  why the fuck is he dressed like that?  does he think he's marlon brando?"
and over the next several minutes....
"really?  this is his character?  a stereotyped-as-possible 50's greaser?  what's with the hair?  O COME ON - HE'S NOT A TOUGH GUY - HIS NAME IS FUCKING SHIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

the rest of the movie was just ridiculous - surviving a nuclear blast in a fridge, a car chase through the amazon ( so that machine that cut down the trees must have not only cut them flush with the ground but leveled the ground as well) all the gun scenes where a bad guy is shooting from 10 feet away and the good guys just have to duck,  the waterfalls, and of course the aliens and their saucer - at that part i said aloud "really?  you're really gonna end indiana jones like that?"

fuck this shit

Spielberg and Lucas are done, time to put them in the home.

03 November 2008 @ 12:35 am
what do you do when you don't care about anything?

right now i don't wanna do anything - well maybe be high or sleep but i got no drugs except for the caffeine in my blood.
this obviously negates both options.

maybe i could spend a thoughtless hour on a viddy game
it's 3:53am and i feel great/guilty.

today was saturday - no work, no obligations.  let's have a look at what i did.

slept late
layed around
washed dishes
ate some food
played WOW
fought/argued with gf

generally just felt lethargic lazy and depressed.

gf went to bed at midnight (we sleep in separate rooms because of my snoring)
i said goodnight and went down to my room.
popped open a can of jolt energy (love this stuff) and sat at the computer

i played WOW for an hour and have been surfing around since then.

here's the thing i don't get.

i feel great.

it's not just the caffiene - which i have been drinking all day.  it's the freedom i feel at night.  it's like the world is mine because everyone else is asleep.  i feel free to do what i want - which is play video games and surf the internets.

i was reading up on Schizoid disorder, which i had read about before but had never had the feeling that it was a perfect match for me until now.

it all makes sense now.  this is why my favorite twilight zone episode is where this woman gets an amulet that stops time.  seriously, i have thought about what i would do with that power literally thousands of times.  it's a strange fantasy when i think about it logically. 

my body is starting to override the caffiene and i'm getting sleepier and sleeppier.  so i must go

I'm listening to: NIN
24 October 2008 @ 12:41 am
why am i still awake?

why am i addicted to das internetzings?

why do all energy drinks taste so fucking bad? 

why are these keys so hard to press down? ( meaning the keys, or 'buttons' if you will, on the keyBOARd

and most importantly,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

if it was supposed to be released tuesday,

until next time,

make mine bluedemonfluoxetinepsuesoefffeddrinhydraconedome

good night and have a pleasant tomorrow
Current Location: smart ass answer
I'm: extremely nothing
I'm listening to: the computer's fan and the swinging pendulums
is Britney Spears retarded?  seriously.  is she?

i heard her song the other day in the car and laughed my ass off - i thought it was a joke.

i just read on some celeb blog that it's the #1 song right now?

the terrorists have finally won.
05 October 2008 @ 11:22 pm
i hate politics.

i'd like to believe Obama, but it seems every politician is a fucking liar - so it's hard to believe him.
mcCain is just a crazy old man - who is very out of touch.  oh and sarah palin?   what the fuck is that about?  does john really think all the hillary support will just transfer to the republicans because his running mate is a woman?  
there is no dancing around it - sarah palin is waaaaayy to dumb to be a heartbeat away from the president.

then there's all the local shit.  i don't know who any of these people are.  you just see names and vote for the one you've seen the most times.  i don't know what district i'm in.  i don't know what a district rep does.  and you got stuff like tax commisioner - don't know don't care.

i think we've all been fed this bullshit story about the founding fathers and how heroic they were, as if they were fucking gods.  you'd also be lead to believe that all early americans were so proud to vote and let there voices be heard.  - nope. 

truth is, NOBODY gives a shit about voting.  people only vote when they have a personal connection to an issue or a candidate - or i guess they're voting for their team.
i don't think the 18th cenntury americans were more patriotic - they were just more directly affected by stuff........
i know what i'm trying to say but the words aren't working out so hot.


what else,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

they're gonna tear down an old bridge soon so they can fully open the new one.  it's kinda sad.  the old one was built in the 20's i think and is all steel with all the overhead support - so you kind of drive through a tunnel of steel branches.    the new bridge is fine - it'll get the job done - but has NO character.

obviously there are pros and cons to updating anything, but to me the thing that stands out is the lack of character.  tearing down old houses with hardwood floors and little architectural idiosyncracies to make room for a parking lot or a box store or another boring steel building with a stucco /dryvit facade.

i can't imagine in 50 years there will be shows on HGTV about restoring a steel sided, sheet rocked house.


does anyone else understand the whole financial crash thing?  personally, i just stare at it like a deer in headlights.
every once in a while i decide i'm gonna read up on stocks and foreign markets and bonds and figure it all out but i just can't.
  it's like i just don't have the mental capacity to understand it - which isn't logical since i'm technically a genius - last time i checked, albeit several years ago, i had an IQ of 144.  this was the result of a totally legit online questionare.

that's enough for now.....................................................................

getting sleepier.

btw, i'm listening to Fischerspooner, the album #1.   it's one of those albums i wish i could live in.

Current Location: hear (sp on purpose)
I'm: tiredtired
I'm listening to: Fischerspooner
07 August 2008 @ 12:37 am
i'm still quitted smokings :~)

next hurdle - dealing with apnea again.

i've recently started playing world of warcraft - iz pretty cool.   although i fear it's taking time away from other video games and my very important porn "research"

29 June 2008 @ 10:26 pm
|: i don't know what to do with myself :|   - repeat x ?

i am on day 9 i think, of chantix, the magical smoking cessation sensation sweeping the nation.

i don't have the occasional urge to smoke so much as the internal dialog that's asking me when this stupid game is gonna end so i can have a fucking smoke.

up until a week ago, if i was working on something for an hour or two i'd look up from the computer and think "i could go for a smoke"  - that's how i feel all the time.

before i started this, i was a little concerned about the whole depression / suicidal side effects.  from what my doctor says and what i've read about it, the suicide thing is way out of proportion.
i have not noticed any kind of increased depression at all. (i'm on generic prozac for anxiety / depression)

the other thing i was kinda looking forward to was the intense dreams. - nope.   maybe it's because i also have sleep apnea and i don't think i dream very much.  the few dreams i've had have been a little different in that they're relatively normal and so i have to think for a minute when remembering one whether or not that memory was real or a dream.

anyway, back to where i started----  i feel so   restless lately.  smoking is such a small thing. but it feels like i decided to quit going to work - how do i fill all that time.

i looked away from the screen for a couple minutes and lost my train of thought.

i wish i could go out for a smoke

I'm listening to: Fischerspooner
22 June 2008 @ 01:09 am
dfddadjkhhqwert   - - key test....


i have nothing to say, although alot of nothing.   drifting along my consciousness
disappearing and turning to instinct?  no, more like impulse.  days without orders (work) are a series of impulses, not decisions.  i'm bored. i have no patience.
music, pictures, fast food, smoking, sleep and on occasion i think. 
i think about all the things i'm going to improve but never do.  i think maybe i think that's good enough.  i think i really AM depressed.  i have little bits of drive, but only under certain conditions and for short periods of time - all the planets have to be aligned but then the phone rings or she wants to ask me something and it's gone.

i wish they would leave,  i don't feel free to write.  i'm on guard for the next time the door opens and she turns on the light and bleaches out my solemn.

i have thursday and friday off to quit smoking - i'm hoping it helps.   funny though, my health is the reason i tell everyone i'm quitting, but it's really to make a change - for something different.
maybe i'll be more focused.  maybe everything will be clearer.  maybe i'll find a calling or purpose.  maybe we'll be closer.  maybe i'll care again.

so here's the question? what should i do? or to elaborate....
my world is very small.  i sometimes worry that if a couple people in my life went away, i'd be completely in my own world.  like minnyappleton.  most, no,  all of my free time is spent here on the computer jumping around.  what else am i gonna do?  i don't have any friends.  just her. and that's not quite the same thing.

just a note here,
i started taking chantix - the new miracle smoking cessation drug - 2 days ago and one of the side effects is depressed mood.  i don't think it's affecting me now though.  these things have all been in my head for some time, i just never put them down on virtual paper.

that's good enough for now

I'm: numbnumb
I'm listening to: NIN - the slip
09 March 2008 @ 12:52 am
i think i'm depressed. 
well tecnicaly i am

i dont know how to make myself change.  is there a medical reason for it or am i just being lazy?

im at the end of day 2 of a 4 day vacation.  i haven't really done much.  example - today i got up at about 8:30, got mcD's breakfast and came home.  ate then played ps2 for a bit got sleepy so i took a nap - that turned into 3 hrs.

the rest of my day has been ps2 and trying not to fall asleep.

so tired

kant tipe no moe
04 March 2008 @ 10:22 pm
what the fuck is wrong with hollywood?
more specifically,
why do they keep letting michael bay make movies?

it took me 4 days but i finally made it through the new transformers movie.

holy shit!

almost everything about the movie sucked balls - dialogue like "where you masterbating?"  the plot that makes no sense, the explosions for the sake of explosions, the sfx - i can't tell what the fuck is happening during the action and why do the 'bots need such complicated designs?

if i were to record my own commentary for this movie, it would consist of me saying "are fucking kidding me?" over and over

i you would like to know more about michael bay and his upcoming shit-fests,
click herehttp://www.dlisted.com/node/24320
I'm listening to: NiN ghosts V1
02 March 2008 @ 10:31 pm
all the ideas and images hurt my head. the beatles (with their trusty revolver) help to keep it somewhat sorted out but it doesn't keep out the fear of interruption or the bloodshot out of my eyes or the reality that sleep comes soon and MUST be followed by another week of work.

i hate having to keep correcting my self/thoughts.  can't stay organized can't think in a straight line ...


27 February 2008 @ 09:34 pm

17 February 2008 @ 02:32 am
teh internets are to big - i just get lost in everything, especially photos.  i just love photo blogs.

the problem is i keep thinking "just a few more minutes"  but it never gets boring...


again i had the idea to write cause i've been SOOOOO wired all night.  that was an hour ago and now the thrill is gone.

so here's an animooted jiffy jif


I'm listening to: Avenged Sevenfold / JC Chasez
03 February 2008 @ 11:21 pm
i finally did something semi-creative today.  just a video of myself lipsynced to MSI's you'll rebel to anything, but i'm happy with myself for doing something as opposed to just thinking about doing things.

maybe tomorrow i'll do more things.
I'm listening to: moldy peaches
23 January 2008 @ 12:38 am

i'm forcing myself to write - even though i don't want to.

i changed my layout tonite - it took for fucking ever - i really cannot decide sometimes.

to over simplify my life,  everyday is just a series of task to keep me distracted from thinking until i can finally go to sleep.

mmm sleep (homer voice)

22 January 2008 @ 11:22 pm
wtf is up with that shit?

i try searching only to get the right column covered by ads.

how the fuck do i get rid of those ads?
03 October 2007 @ 09:01 pm
i just happened to catch 30 seconds of Private Practice - the Grey's Anatomy spin off -

i know it's a stereotype, but it has a flicker of truth - men are generally better with tools than women. 

the scene i just saw showed a woman trying to put together a bike.  she has grease on her arms, chest and face.  a guy walks in.  she says she's having a hard time and asks him for a blowtorch or a hack saw.  she then proceeds to bang on the frame with a fucking hammer.

is this supposed to be believable?
they're telling me that this adult woman is dumber than a 4 year old?

i hate TV

23 September 2007 @ 09:59 pm

i've heard of the band Mindless Self Indulgence, but i'd never heard them.

so i found a torrent a couple weeks ago with a bunch of their stuff -


this band is awesome.  i can't remember the last time i was so instantly addicted to a band.  in particular i've been listening to their last full length - "you'll rebel to anything" alot - like at least twice a day for a couple weeks now.

if you don't know they sound like:
early mr bungle - not the sound as much as the ADD stop/start style & the weirder stuff the system of a down does.

i think it's fascinating that just when i think music has become boring and unoriginal - i come across something like this.
I'm: goodgood
25 August 2007 @ 01:05 am
the internet is too big --- to many options to many pictures to many stories to many informationsses.  a part of me misses the old days - 13 channels of TV and the simplicity that goes with limits of choice.

smoke now

..just a sec,
before the smoke, i gotta say i really like Korn.  Untouchables is one of my favorite records and this new self titled cd ( eventhough i fucking HATE self-titled cds) is great.

ok smoking,,,,,

mmm delicious

i'm still feeling--- 'under teh weather'   just  blank i guess .  tired but i don't wanna sleep.
when you see a movie that has a scene in a psych ward, they have those guys in the background that are just staring into space - that's where i'm at now.

im gonna go post on the ween  journal now

I'm: i feel like a sloth on prozac
I'm listening to: koRn - the new self-titled one
24 August 2007 @ 11:35 pm
i'm sick

feels so odd to be in a different world all day long - dizzy and kinda numb and sleepy.  although there is a kind of focus that comes with it. - scratch that last - i just completely lost my train of thought.

o well
I'm: loopy
I'm listening to: gnalrs barkley
02 August 2007 @ 09:24 pm
this is the small font


y'ever have those days when you just feel blah....  -  not really interested in anything just kinda tired and bored and restless - i feel like that ALOT.

i finished harry potter 7 last week and i don't have anything that i can transfer that energy to.

it's still to hot

words are done now
I'm: restlessrestless
I'm listening to: koRn - untouchables
11 June 2007 @ 10:32 pm

fucking misleading piece of fuck


this movie is not about a magical world.  it's a movie where the bad guys win and everyone (except for one) you care about dies.

in 2 hours??? maybe 10 minutes of magic   and the worst part is then ending.   the girl gets shot, her blood drips into the portal and she wakes up in the magic world --- wait! then she goes back to the real world and fucking dies!    basically proving that there is no magic - she just made it up herself.   so after sitting through this depressing and unnecessarily violent movie, i can't even leave it thinking "well at least she made it to the magic world"

this movie is almost as bad as Dancer in the Dark - now THAT is a fucked up movie
I'm: pissed offpissed off
23 May 2007 @ 09:09 pm

just went out to get a new pair of jeans since the only pair i have that fits is getting pretty roughed up.
holy fuck.
i am so damn fat.

in high school i was skinny as hell & of course had an incredible metabolism - i could eat all day and never gain a pound - my girlfriend was upset when she found out we both weighed the same - about 140.  so like everyone else, you go onto college and gain a few and as i went through my 20's a few more to around 165.  then about 8 years ago a medication pushed me up to 200.  i couldn't believe it!  without really working i got back down to 185.  but it's been back and forth for a few years now. 
a few months back, i bought my first pair of 40" waist pants and today the second.  my thinking was oh, it's just the brand
i can't believe how much i have changed - in high school i had a hard time finding 29" or 30" waist jeans and now i think i might be pushing 230lbs


I'm: lethargiclethargic
I'm listening to: Ween - Big Fat Fuck
06 May 2007 @ 12:20 am
rented BORAT but couldn't watch it.   sacha is funny as hell, but i can't stand the reality stuff - making fun of people who don't have any idea what's going on. it just makes me soooo uncomfortable
I'm: restlessrestless
I'm listening to: aphex twin - analogue bubblebath 5
29 April 2007 @ 01:20 am
stranger than fiction is a good movie - although i hate seeing myself in these sad loser movies. also punch drunk love and eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

a little less distracted this evening, but earlier i was bouncing around trying to decide what to do next.

do you ever have that feeling where you have to choose between 2 things and you can't decide?  it's like your stuck in the middle trying to weigh the options and there doesn't seem to be a clear winner so you just impulsively pick one.  i feel like that a lot, especially on the weekends.  like i'm in some kind of limbo   ----------ahhh what should i do??  umm no what do i WANT to do???  uhh..   i don't know i don't know  ummmm  maybe i'll just play ps2 or take a nap - which are really the same thing since my apnea will make me sleepy after playing ps2 for 20 minutes.

people ask me what i want.  i don't know.  i think about what i used to want - plenty of money from being in a successful band, and the freedom that would bring  - not having to have a "real" job  and of course lots of nice stuff....  the music room - a total audiophile's heaven.    tons and tons of records and guitars and books and art

i don't know if i want anything.   it's terrible but a lot of the time i just wanna be alone.   i guess so i can do whatever i want - which starts off as  "i'm gonna write some songs or draw or play on the computer or whatever" but  always ends up with that feeling of "ok  i'm bored with this, now what do i do?"

and here is the boring part.  i stopped to think for a minute, i start getting sleepy and suddenly i don't wanna type anymore.   right now i don't even what to finish this. i'm trying to wrap this up so i can do something else- eventhough i don't know what yet.

27 April 2007 @ 08:53 pm
i just had the most kick-ass pork chop ever!  thank god i didn't pay 'cause it was $30!
i now realize that i want to get a better job so that i can earn more money so i can afford to go back to that restaurant and another kick-ass pork chop.
isn't that what life is really all about?
striving for a higher income so you get afford to go to high end restaurants?

 i love mr colbert, but that picture doesn't quite cut the mustard....   i'll have to find something better

I'm listening to: NIN year Zer0
26 April 2007 @ 10:41 pm
holy fuck,,,,,,,,   finally.
i am so uncreative.  it took me forever to come up with my user name. so now i'm finally ready to go and  i have nothing to say.... ummm
how is that im sleepy all day and at night im jumpy and restless? i hate that shit.

ah damnit,
i got nothing
i'll go smoke and think of some profound philosophy to drop on y'all

I'm listening to: squarepusher